Blog Archive

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

ColdTusker applies for the Greatest Job in the World

Job opening - the Greatest Job in Kenya

Would you like to lead the beautiful country of Kenya, where your followers will all be tribal voters, your friends are sycophants, your team an army of highly effective corrupt and evil criminals (all trained at the school of Mwalimu Moi). You will preside over the collapse of an economy and oversee a transformation of a once proud people to a state of beggars.

Kenya
We are a bankrupt country looking for a suitable candidate to rule the nation of some 39 million poor Africans. The ideal candidate should have no scruples, no guilt complexes, and a willingness to break the law (he or she will never be investigated). The candidate should be willing to protect corruption, impunity, illegal forces, and police brutality, willing to turn a blind eye to extrajudicial killings, famine, disease and extreme poverty. He or she should have a crazy spouse whose antics can be used as a diversion or smokescreen when necessary. He or she will accept and protect all wrong doers. He or she may need to devise crafty fund raising schemes to liquidate state assets for purposes of buying elections or lining ones own and friends or relatives, pockets. He or she is required to befriend and work with wanted criminals. He or she must be deaf, blind and mute in order to effectively ignore the rapid decline in state. He can use police force to quell any dissent from the population. He is not expected to know the people, indeed the less he knows the better.

Presidency – the job of the president is to amass personal wealth and to protect criminal politicians, family and friends. This job will be starting January 2012.

Job description –ignoring state policies and regulations in order to protect corrupt and criminal politicians and amass wealth.

Performance standards: This is a challenging position and a successful president will be measured by his ability to rig successive elections. He will also exceed the crimes of the previous president past five years within his first term.

Minimum Qualifications – a previous criminal record, ability to steal with impunity, ability to creatively protect corrupt friends. Excellent acting skills especially feigning sickness and ignorance. A network of the worlds most wanted criminals. Colourful wives and friends an advantage. Only blind, deaf mute candidates need apply, alcoholics or other drug dependency preferred.

Special duties – attend state parties, cutting ribbons, drinking at golf competitions, extensive travel to Dubai, China and other shopping havens.

Work schedule and station– one hour per year, timing flexible.

Budget - none, the country is bankrupt

Remuneration – the president can take whatever he desires for himself, family and friends, including cash and properties which can be grabbed as required

Perks – astronomical allowances, access to any land or assets required, Great family benefits, contracts for children. You will never be investigated,

Accountability – none.

Contract terms renewable every 4 years (you can change this and declare presidency for life).

Your team

Prime Minister – Your closest asset. Responsible for for maintaining a state of fear, coordinating mass killings, rape and looting. In charge of overseeing a parallel corruption system, ensures protection of criminals, and undermining your government. Responsible for keeping quiet.

Vice president – protects your back and helps orchestrate the illegal acquisition of funds for your next election. The Vice president is responsible for maintaining silence on national scandals.

Cabinet Ministers – People you select for their contribution to your election kitty. Responsible for vomiting on the shoes of donors. These people will serve you faithfully in degazetting forests, stealing grain, stealing pensions etc etc.

Official Spokesperson – Responsible for ensuring you don’t have to appear in person to respond to any uncomfortable scandals like raids on media houses, missing grain, Armenian brothers, police brutality, extrajudicial killings, or arms to Sudan. Responsible for carrying your cross.

First Lady – Your court jester. Fashion oblivious, extreme temper, slap happy. Responsible for national entertainment and creating a diversion when journalists get too close to scandals.

Other wives, mistresses and sycophants – Your silent loyal army from the mountains that does most of your work. Responsible for setting fashion standards, organizing deals, being proxies on fishy contracts, representing you incognito, and are the real center of power in the country.

Members of parliament – a bunch of bickering elected folk who need to pay off their votes. Responsible for setting their own salaries and perks.

Apply now to Applications@ThegreatestjobinKenya.con

Full credit to http://wildaboutafrica.wordpress.com

12 comments:

MainaT said...

:-)
Please fwd me the application form. Surely I can do this job during the weekend.

coldtusker said...

MainaT: You do not qualify since working on weekends is working too much. If you had said golf on weekends then we would consider you.

For the short-list golf on weekdays & during crisises.

ke said...

Hilarious!

Is the country really bankrupt? provide your insight on this issue please.

Maishinski said...

CT, this is funny - but true to a large extent.

All these old people in government must go. No one should vote for anuyone below 40 yrs in 2012.

The infamous "Wakati wetu wa kula" is over! Leaders of tomorrow are ready. Tomorrow has arrived.

Can all our young, decolonized leaders to step up!

Anonymous said...

Good day !.
You may , probably very interested to know how one can collect a huge starting capital .
There is no need to invest much at first. You may begin earning with as small sum of money as 20-100 dollars.

AimTrust is what you need
The company represents an offshore structure with advanced asset management technologies in production and delivery of pipes for oil and gas.

Its head office is in Panama with offices around the world.
Do you want to become a happy investor?
That`s your choice That`s what you desire!

I feel good, I began to get real money with the help of this company,
and I invite you to do the same. If it gets down to choose a proper partner utilizes your funds in a right way - that`s AimTrust!.
I take now up to 2G every day, and my first deposit was 1 grand only!
It`s easy to join , just click this link http://jocizaduw.kogaryu.com/lijuhymi.html
and lucky you`re! Let`s take this option together to feel the smell of real money

Anonymous said...

Hello!
You may probably be very interested to know how one can manage to receive high yields on investments.
There is no initial capital needed.
You may begin earning with a sum that usually is spent
for daily food, that's 20-100 dollars.
I have been participating in one project for several years,
and I'll be glad to let you know my secrets at my blog.

Please visit my pages and send me private message to get the info.

P.S. I earn 1000-2000 per day now.

http://theinvestblog.com [url=http://theinvestblog.com]Online Investment Blog[/url]

Anonymous said...

The Crust: On the box they use the words "upper" crust so lets
talk about that first. We had no problem finding a space, though, despite the fact that there was
a performance that night. The economy is without a
doubt positively impacted too so ordering coming from Dominos is the best way to stimulate
the economy.

My blog post - check this out

Anonymous said...

The product, according to the brand, can be applied throughout
the day on dry hair if one's hair is medium to very coarse. As far as medical treatment is concerned, it's often suggested to consult your
doctor before any further proceeding. A well groomed woman will look to her hair and makeup first and a poll of 3,000 females across the UK
revealed that about 44% feel attractive if they are having a good hair day, this compares to 16% who
felt pleased with their appearance if good teeth gave them that winning smile.


Here is my web site: hair products

Anonymous said...

Thats why Indian Hindi papers are very popular in all corners of India.
Egyptian cotton bedding has become the popular choice of many savvy consumers.
This is where the online websites play quite a vital role.
An animal is substituted at the last minute and
so God says "ha-ha, fooled you, I was only playing a little joke".
8 At the dinner table always sit next to a member of the
same sex, unless your host or hostess suggests otherwise,
likewise in cafes and restaurants.

Also visit my homepage ... egyptian newspapers

Anonymous said...

This makes the mixing phase a lot easier, just put in your concrete and water, and off you go by the wheelbarrow load.
Concrete finishing is very much like smoothing out frosting
on a birthday cake. However, both the methods have their own pros and cons.

Anonymous said...

Instead, put grass clippings to use as mulch for your garden.

Mulch will reduce weed growth and prevent new weeds from
growing in the garden. In this same respect, mulch aids in the prevention
of soil splashing onto plants.

Here is my weblog - mulching

Anonymous said...

Repairing Small Cracks in Concrete Floors: Determine the Damage.

Blistering heat and bitter freezing cold can crack the toughest of
concrete.

* Not Ideal For Floors: While this is a great option for the walls, it's a less-than-impressive option for the floors.